"Hello, is this God?"
"Well, I know you already know this, your being all-knowing and omniscient and all ..."
Can you get to the point? I'm kind of busy with hurricanes and melting the Arctic ice cap and such.
"Well, I just wanted to make sure you're aware 'God' has been reinserted into the Democratic Party platform. It now says government has a role in helping people reach their 'God-given potential.' "
Yeah. Saw that. Thrilling.
"I thought you'd be happy."
Oh, yeah. I'm on Cloud Nine. (Seriously, if you look out your window, it's the one that looks like a bunny.) All these millennia, my fondest wish has been to be an adjectival phrase in yet another presidential campaign.
"Well, you don't have to ..."
Don't have to what? Look, I don't want to go all Alpha-Omega on you because I know that puts Americans off these days, but I don't 'have to' do anything. I've been around long enough to know when I'm being used. So both parties are dropping my name now? Big whoop. I'm not a mascot. I'm the Supreme Being, for the love of Me.
"Sure. Absolutely. No argument here, Big Guy. Mind if I call you ...
Yes, I do.
"Sorry. You have to be happy the Dems reinstated the line 'Jerusalem is and will remain the capital of Israel,' though, right?"
Wrong. The amount I don't care could fill my Grand Canyon. Can't you see you're mixing political science with theology here? All this is being done for your purposes, not mine. I hardly recognize Jerusalem anymore anyway. That place where my son had his Last Supper -- it's a Verizon store now.
Once, on a whim, I went in there at closing time and intoned, 'Can you hear me now?' Boy, you should have seen the look at that clerk's face.
"So, what exactly do you want from us down here?"
I wrote it down a very long time ago. Love me. Love your neighbor as yourself. It's pretty simple really. Hard, but simple. Yet I'm still called upon to take one side or the other in every war and football game, and I'm even asked to damn the ball when some schmo misses a putt on a sabbath morning when he should be with me.
Don't get me wrong. I still love these people, even the lousy putters, but they shouldn't wonder why I send the next ball into the trees.
"That was you? I mean, ahem, do you know who's going to win in November?"
Well, a lot depends on Pennsylvania and Ohio ... I'm kidding. Of course I know, but it's complicated. I'm omniscient, but you have free will. You'll have to figure this out for yourself. Anyway, I've got the whole world to worry about, not just one country.
"I thought America was special to you."
It is special. So is France. So is Iran. So is Fiji. All my creation is special -- but particularly Fiji. That's some of my best work. And if Kiribati continues to go underwater, Fiji may get a lot more crowded. If that happens, so help Me, I may have to rethink giving humans dominion over the Earth.
"I have to say, it's so great to talk to you. As you must know, ever since I brought you, brought God, back into my life, things have gotten better for me. Even little things like finding good parking spots at the mall."
If you really believe that, do me a favor. Park as far from the stores as possible. Given all that I have on my plate, I don't need to be searching out parking spaces for believers. Besides, you could use a longer walk to the Cinnabon.
"Any other advice?"
I would like people to stop throwing my name around as if it were a team insignia. I give you all the gift of language and you turn it into political platitudes, sound bites and tweets. You've sunk pretty far since the King James Bible. That, I liked.
"Say, anyone ever tell you that you sound just like James Earl Jones?"
Yeah. I get that all the time. Now wake up.
You're dreaming. You didn't really think you could reach the heavens on that cheap cell phone plan of yours, did you?
Brian O'Neill:email@example.com or 412-263-1947.