The Grammy telecast is less about awards and boring speeches and more about handing the musicians a stage to promote their albums and tours. Here's how they did:
Closest representation of married life in America: Beyonce twerking in stripper gear for her man, Jay Z, on "Drunk in Love." Please tell me Blue Ivy was watching Nick Jr.
Best audition for "The Walking Dead": Lorde living up to her reputation as a spastic live performer on "Royals," officially a song better heard than seen.
Biggest departure from Candyland: Katy Perry mothballing the candy canes and lollipops for a "Wicked" take on "Dark Horse" that almost turned into a Slayer concert.
Most generous frontman: Imagine Dragons' Dan Reynolds for letting Kendrick Lamar rule all over "Radioactive" in that bloody little horror show that played out on the screen.
Best antidote to Radioactivity: The understated Kacey Musgraves touching on "same love" and weed love in the sweetly clever "Follow Your Arrow."
Most awkward metal performance by a metal band with a classical pianist: Easy! Metallica with Lang Lang, but you have to love Kirk Hammett's Lou Reed "Transformer" shirt.
Most awkward metal move by a sorta country singer: Taylor Swift thrashing her head during piano ballad "All Too Well." But her hair looked great.
Not bringing sexy back: Chicago failing to answer numerous Twitter pleas to twerk. Singer Robert Lamm looked like he was there representing Price Waterhouse, but the band was typically sound in its Robin Thicke hookup.
Biggest show-stealer: P!nk going Cirque on a rope swing and not missing one.single.note. Wait, you mean she wasn't really singing?
Best live karaoke: Nah, I refuse to rip on the way Ringo sang "Photograph."
Least Beatle-y use of Beatles: Ringo on drums with Paul singing, um, "Queenie Eye."
Best reason to dance in the aisles: The effortlessly funky studio session that had Nile Rodgers, Pharrell Williams and Stevie Wonder jamming with Daft Punk on "Get Lucky." You don't expect Stevie to miss notes, but even that didn't mess it up.
Point at which the old/young thing was getting old: Sarah Bareilles and Carole King on "Brave," in which the elder folk artist's strained notes took a toll.
Best song ever about gay uncles: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis' "Same Love," which turned into a "We Are the World" anthem for l-o-v-e -- gay, lesbian and straight -- complete with wedding vows and Madonna in white.
Surest sign we're all rednecks at heart: Even Jay Z, Beyonce, Yoko Ono, Macklemore and Imagine Dragons all grooving on that untouchable Highwaymen medley with Willie Nelson, Kris Kristofferson, Merle Haggard, and Blake Shelton.